Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
