I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hope mine doesn't look like that
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
