That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
