So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize