Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize