Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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