Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
