I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
