was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
