smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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