she smelled like a LAN party
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
