he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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