i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
