After last night, I could never be a politician.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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