just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Ladies don't puke and tell
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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