Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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