I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
