I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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