Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
