some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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