he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
