I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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