I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
