i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
