Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
