I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
