I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
MIDGETS
????
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
