Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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