Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
