My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
