i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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