Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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