I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize