I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
