I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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