It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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