I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
