Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
