Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
