Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
40s are totally the cure
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
