rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize