Operation Purity has been aborted
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
