I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
