he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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