someone threw a dead crab at me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
