the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
