Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
