gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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