tequila makes me forget i have legs
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize