i don't plan on having that self control this summer
we're chasing vodka with high fives
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
