Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We're too hungover to prance.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
