I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
