yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
