My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
