You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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