Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
