Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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