I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
