I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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