You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
