Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All I want is dick and wine.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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