Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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