I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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