I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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